To preface, this is probably 1 of those blogs that could benefit from lots of meaningful quotes by wise folks throughout history. Unfortunately, in that regard, this blog will fall short; I only hope my words/thoughts don’t fall too short of their intention. It’s just that I’ve never been any good at storing good quotes for particular situations so I could whip them out at appropriate times...I wish I had that gift, though.]
I’m starting to get that funny feeling that I am in the grueling midst of "growing up." And let me tell you, it’s not a speedy process by any means, nor is it always a pleasant one. As my 22nd birthday approaches, slowly but surely, I look back in retrospect. [a pause...while I sit and reflect for this blog........"oh shit, I did that?!".......ok, done now.]
It’s been quite a year for me. No, I didn’t do anything outrageously cool like travel to foreign lands, or what-have-you, nor did I transform into someone important with the right words and something to say. Nope, I’m still me, for the most part. What’s been happening to me isn’t something I can outwardly describe to anyone; it’s that deep, painfully esoteric "personal journey," in which a young girl like myself takes on life’s biggest cruelties in the comfort of her own body, mind, and soul. I’m pretty shocked to recall all the things I’ve put myself through, and the icky details I’ve learned about others and myself since June 19, 2007. And it’s been tricky, trying to step outside myself for the sake of self-contemplation.
I won’t bore you with everything that’s happened this year to date (trust me, some things are best unsaid). I’ve simply taken all my experiences and rolled them into neat, little packages of pseudo-wisdom. I now know how scary it is to look inwards and see what’s hiding behind your own reflection. It really is. To take into account all that you do, then rack your brain to find some meaning in it, it’s probably the scariest experience you will ever have. But I see the necessity in it now. It needed to happen eventually. I have a lot of growing up to do, I’ve found. Not exactly a miraculous discovery, but a discovery of importance, nonetheless. With no one to hold my hand anymore, I’m suddenly a dot on the map with nothing more than hopes and a load of free will to take me forward.
But that’s the biggest thing I’ve come to realize: the world is huge, and I am just a dot. And not even a big dot, a really tiny one, a speck even. That’s a huge part to growing up that’s so difficult to swallow. The context in which we live just gets bigger and bigger, and we get smaller and smaller, until we are (or at least, feel) almost invisible. I’m realizing now that I have to workwith and for the life I’ve been given, the world in which I live...not against it. It’s a tricky attitude to uphold, but I’m trying it out.
Of all the good times I’ve had this year, the best times were the split-second moments that I totally forgot about "my world," and felt like I was a tiny part of something intricate and bigger than myself. Whether I was driving through the remote corners of rural Concord with my windows down on a gorgeous afternoon, or squeezing into a tightly packed train in a ginormous city, I felt good, more than I ever have before. So I guess I just feel like I’ve stumbled over 1 of many obstacles in the growing-up process.
Of course there is plenty of time to get through the other obstacles, like how I’m going to transition into the real, working world, etc in 2 years or so. But that will come when it comes. Bringing your own pea-sized life into a new perspective is hard enough to face.
A final tidbit to add, that I now firmly believe in is this, true love and true joy mean nothing if you keep it to yourself. Share that shit!
And with that, I share my little blog and love to all. :]
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