Purposely on Purpose

I may not know exactly, or even approximately, who I am, but I always seem to find out who I am not. It seems much easier to discover the traits that fail to exist. I learn more of these things every day, some of which I'm okay with; others of which I am not. One example I've been struggling with is that I've never really been grounded or rooted in anything in particular, whether it be family, some sort of clique of friends, a value system, etc. Maybe it's my personal history with my family, or worse, genetically ingrained. Therefore, I see myself as one who "floats" along and feels compelled to many different activities and interests. This is a non-trait that I used to be quite proud of. It made me feel flexible, adaptable, and cultured. But now, I see it more as, "one who cannot focus." And I really don't like the sound of that, nor do I want to be that way forever.

This surge of non-traits that keep popping up on the daily are causing me to think of all kinds of questions of purpose and existence. I'd rather leave the deeper philosophical arguments to the experts and enthusiasts, but I can't help but question my own ability to focus and find peace in some sort of purposeful existence. I wonder if it's even possible right now. I always feel so stuck in the "big picture," that I can't find my own niche. Metaphorically, I'm a camera without a zoom lens. (I probably didn't have to say metaphorically there...) And everyone knows, some of the most intriguing photos are abstract and very close-up.

I guess it's just the old "Who am I?" and "Where is My Life Headed?" questions that we all ask ourselves. It's nothing super-monumental really because it's such a familiar thought. But why does it always feel so inadequately resolved?

Back From a Vacation of Sorts

As the summer begins, so will the return to my blogging activity.  Sorry for the long pause since the last time I wrote.  It won't happen again...until the fall.  But really, I make no promises.  Anywho, I hope any and all readers of my blog have been happily entertained by other things in their lives in the meantime.  I certainly have, hence my long break from writing.  I don't know of a particular topic to write (well) about, so I'll just go with whatever comes to mind.  

Let's see, I just got home from a bachelorette weekend for my friend, Abby from high school.  We all went down to Isle of Palms and stayed at a pretty fabulous resort by the beach.  Heaven, as it is also called.  Last night was the big party night.  We ate at Poogan's Porch, a cutesy little, low-country cuisine place, followed by nonstop dancing at Charleston's version of Buckhead Saloon.  The lady of the hour was never empty-handed, a great success, and more importantly, I know she had a great time.  We even got a peepshow out of the deal, to our surprise!  As we were walking up to the hotel from dinner the first night, we all noticed a man in a second-floor window, wandering his hotel room with nothing on but (probably) a surprised look on his face when he noticed a group of girls outside pointing and laughing.  Not exactly a stripper, but hey, it was free!

I also got the worst sunburn of my life.  Normally, I'm the one who feels a touch guilty and relieved when all my friends go home with severely sunburned body parts, and I walk away with a golden-brown tan.  Oh, how the tables have turned on my little lobstery body.  Clearly, I'd forgotten the importance of reapplication of sunscreen after several ocean swims.  My b, body.

As always, my vacation didn't last quite as long as I'd like it to.  Now, it's back to part-time work, lounging, and finding random activities to keep me busy.  I need to make a checklist of things to do/finish/start for the summer because the list keeps getting longer, and I feel an ever-growing need to keep track of those things.  One that I need to focus on soon is graduate schools: where, how much, and which program.  As of right now, SCAD is at the top of my list only for its infinite options, but I'm open to other places as well.  All a matter of research now.  I've decided that knowledge really is power and I want as much as I can acquire before I jump into a career.  I'd really like to give back to my family and friends one day, and I don't know if simply having a BFA will help me do that.  I'm thinking an MFA is where it's at.  

I also want to keep fine-tuning my writing skills.  They've been on the back burner for a while now, so I feel like it's time to reunite that passion.  See?  I just wrote "reunite that passion."  I'm clearly a little rusty on the writing front.  Hopefully this third blog of 2009 will get things going... 

Man.

I guess 2009 has been a pretty slow year for blogging.  

My New Year's Resolution

#1.  Be better than I was last year, in all relevant aspects of my life.  

That pretty much covers it all, but there are smaller details that I would like to work on as well.  Although they are small, they may just lead me to accomplishing my overall resolution of being better all around than the year before.  Pretty logical if you ask me, but knowing my commitment level to anything, who really knows...  However, good 'ole Obama has instilled this relentless HOPE inside of me, so onward with HOPE I go into 2009!  And with that, here are the rest of my "mini" resolutions:

#2.  Make my bed at least bi-weekly.

#3.  Improve my posture.

#4.  Indulge in something unbelievably decadent, at least bi-weekly, maybe even tri-weekly.

#5.  Keep a sufficient supply of film in my fridge door.

#6.  Buy/borrow/read a few new books.

#7.  Learn CSS, html, and xhtml.

#8.  Have more conversations in Spanish ONLY.

#9.  Throw away the things I do not need.

#10. Fill all my frames with up-to-date pictures of friends I love dearly, preferably ones where we are laughing...hard.

#11. Go see a few movies, by myself.

#12. Make dinner for my roommates and/or friends.

#13. Save up for an iTouch.

#14. Save up for a trip to any city on the West Coast.

#15. Get my little sister a cool boyfriend.

#16. Write more blogs, BETTER blogs than 2008's blogs!

The Same

It costs much to grow old:

I've fondled the Springs

like sticks of new furniture

with the wood still sweet to the smell, suave

in the grain, and hidden away in its lockers,

I've stored my wild honey.

That's why the bell tolled

bearing its sound to the dead,

out of range of my reason:

one grows used to one's skin,

the cut of one's nose, one's good looks,

while summer by summer, the sun

sinks in its brazier.

Noting the sea's health,

its insistence on turbulence,

I kept skimming the beaches;

now seated on waves

I keep the bitter green smell

of a lifetime's apprenticeship 

to live on in the whole of my motion.

Pablo Neruda.

Not me.  Unfortunately, I can't take credit for such exquisite words.  I must memorize them, though.  

Anywho, today I am thinking about people, and why we use expressions like, "I hope he/she/they get what he/she/they deserve!"  I notice that we only refer to people we do not particularly like, and typically, we use it in anger towards another person.  But I wonder why we waste this hateful kind of hope on people we dislike.  I wonder why we don't hope for better things than that, for others and ourselves.  I just think about "worth" and "deserving," and how we fit into these terms.  Since we'd all like to believe that our worth isn't determined by anyone but ourselves, why do we settle for so little all the time?  And why the hell don't we "get what we deserve?"  I never really thought about it much before, but now I wonder how much credit I really give myself.  I think that we all deserve the best of whatever is out there.  I wonder what kind of hope I have for myself, and if I could really be hopeful of getting what I really deserve.  And what exactly do I deserve?  

VOTE.

5 More Friends

There is a frustrating disconnect in the way people give advice and how they receive it, particularly the guidance of our own logic.  We know exactly what we ought to do in any given situation, yet we promptly disregard the healthier side of our conscience to pursue something a little more thrilling.  We spend our whole lives shaping our value system with the good advice of friends, family, and other respected voices, only to knock it to the ground when we most need it.  We're all funny like that.  I'm funny like that, and I really hate it when I ought to know better, but proceed aimlessly.  And I start to forget where I even wanted to be in the first place.  I think that's the point I'm at right now.  I'm starting to get a little lost.  And to be honest, I'm too ashamed to ask for any more directions, since I haven't been taking them to heart.  

It seems that I get tangled in these kinds of thoughts a little over a week before my period begins (cover your ears, boys...).  Some like to call this "PMS," a sweet, little acronym for a not-so-sweet condition, however true its existence may be.  Stay tuned for next month's web of thoughts...same time, same place.