I may not know exactly, or even approximately, who I am, but I always seem to find out who I am not. It seems much easier to discover the traits that fail to exist. I learn more of these things every day, some of which I'm okay with; others of which I am not. One example I've been struggling with is that I've never really been grounded or rooted in anything in particular, whether it be family, some sort of clique of friends, a value system, etc. Maybe it's my personal history with my family, or worse, genetically ingrained. Therefore, I see myself as one who "floats" along and feels compelled to many different activities and interests. This is a non-trait that I used to be quite proud of. It made me feel flexible, adaptable, and cultured. But now, I see it more as, "one who cannot focus." And I really don't like the sound of that, nor do I want to be that way forever.
This surge of non-traits that keep popping up on the daily are causing me to think of all kinds of questions of purpose and existence. I'd rather leave the deeper philosophical arguments to the experts and enthusiasts, but I can't help but question my own ability to focus and find peace in some sort of purposeful existence. I wonder if it's even possible right now. I always feel so stuck in the "big picture," that I can't find my own niche. Metaphorically, I'm a camera without a zoom lens. (I probably didn't have to say metaphorically there...) And everyone knows, some of the most intriguing photos are abstract and very close-up.
I guess it's just the old "Who am I?" and "Where is My Life Headed?" questions that we all ask ourselves. It's nothing super-monumental really because it's such a familiar thought. But why does it always feel so inadequately resolved?
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